So many times, we're told that we are the writers of our future, but after some reflection... I think we're most likely...not. Oh, we like to imagine we have a little control - What shall I eat? what shall I wear? and even... Who shall I marry? But then, realization dawns - a foggy sunrise. We cannot control whether our very next breath will arrive. It is automatic, and we were not given the keys to that ignition. So I think... in the big picture, our imagined control is just to placate us. However, it can be very freeing to realize you are a character in the story, and not the author. It is especially encouraging when you summarily realize, that your particular author is a best-seller, and clearly, already has the plot all figured out! Thank you for joining me on my 28 day birthday month celebration. It has been a challenge, but also a unique experience, and I'm pleased with myself for completing it. Thank you also for all your kind words and encouragement...they have made it all feel extra special. 🙂
Category Archives: Anxiety
Self-Helpless
I am the opposite of "self-help" - I am here to say that you cannot do it on your own. You are not strong enough, or powerful enough, or even really smart enough. Not you. Not in your own human-ness. So I wonder why - there are so many self-help books that essentially repeat the same mantra. You. You. You. When it's never been you it's always been WHO. Who do you put your trust in? From where do you get your inner power? If it's you, then, oh dear, how fallible. If it's Darkness, then oh my, how temporary. But- if it's the Light of the world, then Oh yes, how powerful.
Direct My Path
We wander through the woods of our lives, tripping, winding, pulling away branches, and getting caught in the brambles. It is a long road. A rough road. And then, a clearing up ahead. We breathe the sweet nectar of the open field, feel the sunshine, and cooling breeze. It feels like heaven. But the dark woods draw us back, and soon we find ourselves, tangled, tired, and bruised. All the while, the Lord goes before us, clearing the path, absorbing the blows, and wishing we would only take His hand, so He could lead us to the next clearing, and the path of His design. Even so, He walks ahead. Never forsaking us and our chosen pathway. Even when He knows His is easier, He allows us to choose. And then He clears the way. Happy Birthday to me, and my dear friend Olivia, and all the other souls who celebrate their arrival on this earth today. We made it. Keep walking the path, the destination is more beautiful than we can possibly imagine.
A Spinning Wheel
Life right now - feels like a spinning wheel that someone wound up - but forgot to stop. Time is racing faster than my thoughts. The year has barely begun, but is scheduled down to the near-end. When do we breathe? Between the cracks? Do we rise up, gasp for air, and then get pulled back under? Is this what Life is truly meant to be? Where is the "stop" level... and how can I pull it? This title could have been, "8 days before covid shutdown" but I didn't know it at the time. Speaking for only myself, as someone who has remained relatively healthy this entire time, when people ask how I've coped with the complete stop and pause of everything that I once knew - I think back to this moment, and this girl, and I remember how overwhelmed and helpless she was feeling, and how this time of complete reset has been something both completely unexpected and also an opportunity for an overhaul of what was once important.
New Life
At first glance, you would not consider furniture as an item needing rescue. But it is. They do. Cooped up, buried under garbage and piles of paper and humidity - A table, a chair, sits - waiting to be remembered to be cared for - to be clean. It is made from material that was once alive - and after being plucked from purgatory, and given a new home, it almost audibly sighs with relief and gratitude for the gift of new life. Useful, Hopeful, and Wanted, but most of all, Restored, in every sense of the word.
Dinosaur
Dino-saur. Dino-Roar. Why do we obsess over that which scares us? To regain power? Control? "We never had control." But! We always have the power. Fear is what we allow it to be. Whether it's the dark, or spiders, or a large, scaly lizard that ROARS. Dedicated to my first best friend and cousin, who shares my love of Dinosaurs, and so many childhood memories, and whose birthday is today. Happy Birthday, Lauren!
The Walls of Jericho
Those who lie build walls - they carefully construct their version of truth. They shellack the stones and settle inside their forts of deception. Until. A still, small voice says, "Enough." And then another voice And another. Until finally, the noise is so deafening - that the walls come crumbling down. Jericho is taken, once again. Written last year after the inspirational moment a local woman went public with her decades long pain.
Location, Location, Location
Where we are born is not who we are But it shapes who we become. Whether we embrace or attempt to escape - there is no undoing the circumstance of birth. We are plopped on this earth, exactly where we are supposed to land - in order for us to become, who we are meant to be. The reality of location and the fantasy of aspiration.
Self-Reflection
It takes courage to self-examine - and strength to face when we were wrong. This should not be a foreign feeling - it should be our every day norm. So much of life is running, and we never take a step. Over-stimulate, stupefy, whatever it takes, NOT TO FEEL. But victory can be found when we sit very still and hold a mirror to our faces Self-reflection leads to self-realization and to freedom of self.
Rewriting History
When one sets about
to rewrite history,
the BIGGEST and best
piece of advice I can share....
is make sure you
DON'T
send the new drafts
to those who lived the events
with you.
It makes for some
very awkward glances.
Thumbing through my poetry journal, this was written exactly one year ago today. A lot of my early work was much more focused on anger and hurt, and was written without editing. It was just whatever I thought in the moment and put on the page, then closed when the thought stopped.
I'm pleased to share that this particular method of coping has helped me so, so much. Obviously, none of these "poems" rhyme, they are just words arranged on a page in an artistic manner...to help me think through and take what I feel and bring it out of me, and onto the page.
I never imagined that they would even be intelligible, and I certainly never thought I'd share them, but I've seen a real growth, and I think it's important to share, especially if someone else decides to try it, and it helps them too.
Ashley Raymer-Brown 