Worried I was dangerously near the precipice of another major league breakdown, Rachael came riding in on her white horse that looks a lot like a bright blue Nissan.
Waiting out the ice storm that amounted to much less than forecast, she arrived after Noon today, and left about an hour ago.
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“…Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.” – Psalms 30:5
I went to bed with a book, a some furry people and a Hershey bar. I fell asleep around midnight and slept fitfully, waking around 6:30 a.m. I tried to go back to sleep, but when I was problem solving in my head about the day to come, I knew it was no use.
I decided to make the best of it by cooking a nice breakfast and photographing the sunrise. I sat in front of the glass door facing the rear of the property with a cat on each side and snapped photos every few minutes.
I like the above image. Though fashionably late, the sun teases me with his presence. A promise of the day to come, and the certainty of a fresh start. I certainly need the fresh start.
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I’m not even sure I know how to explain how I feel. I took the above image a few days ago, but I feel like it rings true for me right now. In a small way, I know what that tree feels like. It spent years growing out a beautiful limb, only to have it hacked off at the trunk.
One step forward, ten steps back.
I’m better now, that much I can tell you, and while the heartbreak is familiar, it just doesn’t seem to get easier to bear.
After weeks of work, and the past two days filled with such tediousness I couldn’t even bear to tell you about, I finished everything I could do on my own for the book. All that was left was a citation page that Jillian had agreed to help with, and a tweak for the cover that my friend Josh was going to try and help me with this weekend.
All of a sudden, things were not only on track, they were ahead of schedule. The book looked beautiful. I was incredibly proud. I couldn’t believe it.
I should have known. The very book I’m editing is filled with so many examples of this very thing. When attempting to fix the formatting of the drop caps, Jillian said, “I can’t believe there’s not an easier way.”
I said, “Jillian. You just read the book. When I’m involved, there’s NEVER an easier way.” We shared a nice laugh.
I should have known.
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My dog Riley is not a six pound Pom-Chi. Oh, he may look that way on the surface, but in his heart, he is a German Shepherd, or a Collie, or even possibly a Mastiff. Whatever the breed, he desperately believes himself to be a Farm Dog.
As any good Farm Dog would, he LOVES the snow. If the temperature is any kind of bearable, he wants to be outside. Sniffing, shuffling, checking on the chickens, surveying his land.
In truth, his actual favorite thing to do is for me to go outside with him. When I do, he likes to get as far away in the field as possible and then wait for me to call him. I know this. I know what my role is and I fulfull it for him. He is the star of his own action movie, and I’m the director. When he’s far enough away, I whistle and call him back.
“ACTION!”
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Aching muscles and stiff joints were my alarm clock and a tinge of leftover stomach malady was my snooze button.
I had only been awake twenty seconds, and I sat there– just sat there, eyelids heavy with a weariness that usually comes after a long day of work. There’s a lot of things I’m good at. Mornings just isn’t one of them.
Turned in the book this morning to Jillian, copy editor extraordinaire. She is one of the major forces behind the copy editing/proofing of my Mom’s book, “One Life” (which continues to get rave reviews, to all our delight). She’s already contacted me about some minor details she’s noticed, so I’m confident I’m in very good, very meticulous hands.
While she is busy working on the final draft I thought maybe I’d put out some feelers for people/places that might be interested in our book once it DOES come out. Very interested, mildly interested, nothing better to do interested, I’m really not picky.
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In the ‘no news is good news’ category, I don’t have much to report today. Completed reading the book, added a few names to the acknowledgment section and had to think about what to add to ‘the future’ part. As in, what do I have planned for the future. I won’t give it away, but I think I’ve got some ambitious things lined up; because that’s just how I operate.
I actually toyed a bit with the idea of adding an epilogue about our issues with the publisher. I don’t suppose they were issues so much as it was a separation of interests. It does go right along with the actual theme of our book, in that we ended up having to do things the long and hard way. Ultimately, I also feel it ended up being the right way for us, and things worked out better, and for the best, for all involved. That was the pro of including an epilogue.
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Today, my goal was to spend a nice, leisurely day rereading the book, in one sitting, from beginning to end. I wanted to update all my sections and make sure the whole piece flowed. I turned on the instrumental movie score station on Pandora to allow Hans Zimmer the opportunity to give me some auditory company, and my furry supervisors soon took up their various posts.
I made it to the second to last chapter of the 168 pages before I had to leave for rehearsal. I have to say, more often than not, I was actually very satisfied with the content. It’s now been nearly fourteen months since I finished the final draft, and while the distance had been good for some real clarity and perspective, my memory of it wasn’t as positive as the content actually ended up being.
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In possibly my most boring blog post yet, I will update you on the book accomplishments for today. For today, all I did was book.
I finished two of the four items on my to do list from yesterday. Originally, I wanted all of the photos in the book to be in color, but upon investigation on CreateSpace (our likely venue for publishing) I learned just how expensive that luxury would be. So, I had to take my Mom’s adorable, brightly colored dinosaurs and turn their green scales grey. It felt criminal to do so. It’s just not the same. 😦
She proposed I name him Arthur (or Author.) I like Veloci. Or Obby, for Obstacle, which is what he represents in the book. He is the illustration of the obstacles we had to overcome when completing our film.
What do you think? Any other ideas? Better ones?
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It is February 6th, so that means I have twenty more days to try and finish up the book. On one hand, I feel like that is plenty of time, but on the other, oh so familiar worried hand, that doesn’t seem like time enough. Especially given my work and theatre schedule during the week.
Therefore, my immediate weekend plans, beginning right now, are to work on the book. Specifically, I want to:
-Insert the new (utterly adorable) illustrations my Mom completed and turned in.
-Begin working on the edits that Rachael found when reading through the manuscript.
-Do some revisions of my own and update some of the information.
-Take the fantastic advice given me about my book cover design, tweak and refine it.
I’m putting my plans on here to force some accountability to myself. The weather is supposed to be lovely this weekend, and while I’d like to be outside enjoying it, there is much to be accomplished. That is part of the price you pay for ardently pursuing a goal. Perhaps I will compromise and open a window!
Sometimes I get cranky and feel like I’d rather go watch a movie, but then I remember that no one else is going to do this for me, and putting it off doesn’t make it happen. I have to make it happen, and the ‘sooner I get to it, the sooner I can get through it.’
….
Hmmm…it appears that’s the best encouragement I have for you today. Something that reads like it would be better on a tee-shirt. 
We’re all allowed off days, right?
Right at 35 days before my 35th birthday, Rachael and I found out that a book we wrote about our experience making our first film “No Lost Cause,” was being returned to us by the publisher after a year of waiting for it to be printed. Instead of wallowing in our collective misery, I committed to blogging every day while I searched for ways to overcome this perceived rejection and obstacle to our goal. I currently also have about three other projects brewing at the same time, and write about the progress of each of them. This is part of that series.
Read the first entry here: https://ashleyraymerbrown.com/2015/01/23/35-days-to-35-dealing-with-rejection/
Ashley Raymer-Brown 